to dog or not to dog?

let me wax poetic for a moment on my friend, the canine.

but not for the reasons you might think.

puns & adages tell us the dog is a man's best friend.

now i agree with this...but again, probably not for the reasons your gooey sugar heart is thinking.

dog as man's best friend.

we need to ask ourselves what are the qualities of a best friend that our pet, our "furry children" emulate. in a human, i guess i would say that my best friend would need to be funny, wise, honest, loyal, a good listener, giving...& that's probably enough.

funny? dogs are indeed hilarious. and not in the sarcastic, seinfeld-esque way. i mean, the fact that they eat crap is pretty hilarious all on its own...that they meet & greet by sticking their noses in another's...well, you get the idea. and that is hands-down, cross-cultural kind of funny.

wise...hmmm...now ALLEGEDLY dogs can smell cancer & fear & earthquakes & all other kinds of catastrophes. i have 3 dogs in a city apartment. count 'em...THREE. and i have lived through my share of earthquakes in 6 years of living in the city. so you would think that i would be all guns go for any emergency with my early response squad sleeping not 4 inches from my face. not only do they not warn me of impending doom...they don't even crack an eyelid between them when the earth does begin to shake. so wise, not sure if i'm buying that.

honest. that's another tricky grey area. once someone got in the garbage (as evidence was strewn throughout the kitchen.) every dog has this "what? So wasn't me. i'm chill, i'm casual. i'm innocent". so based on their faces, you would assume a ghost-like entity &/or a burgular came into the house & located the one thing it wanted on its trail of terror...the trash can of a city girl's apartment...full of treasures like plastic bags from the chinese grocery, ketchup blobs, tea grounds, avocado peels, ramen noodle packages...ANYWAYS, like i was saying, based on their eyes & general nonchalance, not a one of them had anything to do with the trash can incident.

now i know the dog psychologists out there will say that dogs only have short term memory, another dog-ism i don't believe. but regardless...no one can doubt what i saw...one very gross & disgusting white dog, with the handle of said chinese grocery bag around her neck, ketchup all over her mouth, tea particles all over her feet & back. yet she is still looking at me with this totally innocent "what?" look on her face. honest? pfftttttt.

loyalty bit we all know is a tad bit ridiculous...all 3 of my dogs love me to pieces, but would leave me for even the slightest rustling of cheese being taken from its wrapper.

a good listener...now on this note, yes, none of my dogs interrupt me, or try to "advice-me-to-death"...but i'm really not always 100% sure they are listening (as their eyes roll back in their heads & they fall back asleep for another 14 hours.). but i'll give the dogs this one. they are pretty good at knowing when you feel icky (or maybe it's because they sense something & know you are too depressed to tell them to get off the bed, so they take advantage of your degradated state under the guise of "being your best friend"...tricksters).

giving in the metaphorical sense, like in the affection sort of way, ok. that i can accept. in the tangible way, like contributing back to the money they embezzle from me on a weekly, if not daily basis? absolutely not. and i am about 86% sure that bella is running an illegal poker game on wednesday's when i'm gone. i keep finding these random betting chips all over the floor, and i swear i saw a glimpse of green felt & a visor coming out of one of their dog beds...but alas, got distracted & i can't be sure.

so, all in?

get a dog.